Within all paths of life you go through many troubles and turmoil's, it's never easy nor is it something we want to emotionally deal with. However no matter what happens it's important to remember that you stay by the love ones you have on your side and make sure to keep the best memories and time you had with ones you have lost in your mind. This past Friday May 23, 2008 we lost a valued member of our family. My dog Tiffany of 16 years passed away. To some of you reading this, you may not find this as a big deal. What you don't understand is that even though she may have been a "Pet" someone who has been in your family and home with you in all the best and worst times in life means something, there is a deep connection between you and them. She may not have been perfect and she has had moments where many would wonder why we even kept her in the first place. As far as I saw it she was family and it doesn't matter, if they are in your heart you take care of them. She had to put up with the many antics and changes we have had in life too between changes in everyday life, animal or not they have a feeling of what's going on with you and the world around them. I feel good that she has gone to be with others that I have lost in my family and feel that I have not truly lost them in reality. We will all meet again at some point. Now don't send me e-mails about heaven, hell or whatever you believe or not, I'm not posting this to offend anyone or whatever cooked up religion you have nor what you believe in. I just want to be able to remember her for the good time she gave us and the times we gave her. I loved her and to me and everyone at home we felt as if she was like a daughter.
[Tiffany]
As some of you know recently I was talking about Clyde the field mouse I caught and how we decided to keep him as the elements nor his health was perfect enough to let him out in the wild. He too had past a few weeks before Tiffany, so between the two of them I have not had the feeling to go online and talk about gaming and such. Also I was a bit afraid if someone asked how he was, how I'd feel about it.
Tiffany and I were more alike as time passed on, we were both broken in society by the means of non functioning bodies and anti social feelings. I felt that she knew me as much as I knew her. If anyone knows me and her they would realize that she was a bit hair trigger on the biting. That was not her fault, I compare her most to an Autistic child, you could tell that she wanted so badly to be hugged or picked up but at the same time her mind could not handle it and she'd lash out. Also she had major trust issues within herself which made it harder on us, whenever she bit us she did cower in a corner feeling shame for what she had done. I do not blame her for her actions, not anymore. I realized a couple of years back that she was not in control of her behavior, I learned that if you did things the way she was comfortable with then you would be fine. Some may have seen this or even her as a chore, however like I stated before "she is family" you don't just discard family just because something doesn't go right in a situation. We loved her, I still love her. It's tough everyday to walk by the family room without knowing she's going to be right there, even if she was just sleeping there. I miss coming through the front door and being able to greet her, I miss her getting up and wagging her tail walking over to me. I miss being able to take her with me to ride in the car as she went back and forth from the front seat to the back and then taking a nap on the passenger side. I miss being able to leave the TV or my PSP's Internet Radio on for her to hear something to let her know that the house wasn't empty. Even though you couldn't pick her up when you wanted to, it was nice to know someone was there. When I make breakfast or lunch I miss being able to cut up a tiny version of what I have and giving it to her on a plate. I miss being able to feed her, I would open the can and she'd just dance around and bark as if she was singing for her food. I miss the funny things she did, from trying to keep the cat away from her food by picking up the dish and walking away with it when growling didn't work. To when she would knock the cat off the couch when turning around. Most of all I miss when she tried to hop up to you while you were standing there and just wanted you to pet her. All she wanted was attention that's all, it's wasn't much of a demand. I hate that she's gone, I hate the fact that it always has to be the ones that don't ask, demand or do anything wrong. Sure she may not have been perfect but she was a family member. No one's perfect and anything she did wasn't her fault.
It's hard for me to type this, I know what she has done in the past may not have deemed her heaven worthy but I'd like to feel that she is somewhere where our loved ones are. My Grandmother and I picked her out, which later proved to be true that two cat people can't pick a dog. When Nana had passed on I felt horrible because I knew what I had to go back to in school and my Mother was simply drained. Neither one of us wanted to go back. I was close with my Nana, I had a project to do the night she died, when I came in without it finished my teacher failed me on it and said "I don't care who died, school work comes first!" Needless to say he apologized for his words later on, I didn't accept it though. On top of that I had another teacher proclaim to me "I don't care if it was the Pope who died" just because I wasn't focused on work the day after her burial. A couple of years later When Tasha died I couldn't stand the world and enveloped myself in darkness, I hated everything and everyone. People feared me because I lashed out against them here and there when all they were trying to do was comfort me even my own family. I tried to distance myself from everything, she meant the world to me. After Nana died it hit Tasha hard, Tasha was my Nana's cat that we got for her when she was younger and lived in her apartment. She had her there for a long time, (I don't remember the years at the moment and for that I feel shameful). My Nana had Alzheimer's as many should know is a tough disease that needs to be cured as much as cancer. Mom and I decided to have Nana live with us after the second time she fell, Mom was afraid what of what would happen if she was to remain in her apartment much longer. She lived with us for about eight years in our house,Tasha naturally cam along with her, even when Nana was bed ridden she would still hop in the bed with her for the night and sit with her in her chair in the day time. When Nana was still in good condition she taught me how to take care of Tasha and how to understand what she wants or needs. Tiffany was hard to train as she would bite anyone getting close to her face or ears. The only trick I ever got her to learn was "sit". I feel awful now because of all those years I spent with Tasha instead of caring for Tiffany, sometimes I put it out of my mind that I even had a dog. The way she acted was not her fault, but I was so stupid to not even take the time to think about it. She was always closer to Mom than I, so I lived with that in my mind. My school life wasn't the best in High School, not to mention I was stuck in a building with people who didn't care what happened nor how I felt, they only worried about scores, grades and such and the fact that I was not on the star list of people meant that I was a bigger punching bag. I was so at odds with the world when Tasha my first daughter died, I know she was a cat but she meant the world to me beyond all imagination. Tasha was such a kind thing, she'd only think of you before herself. She'd check in to see if you were okay when you were sick, if you were lonely she's curl up next to you. If you were working on stuff a lot she'd come and sit on whatever your writing or reading to give you a break. She used to wait for us at the front door to greet you when you came in. Tasha would stay down in the kitchen either on the floor or in a chair next to Tiffany to giver her company during the day. She'd never bother you for the food even though if the can was in reach she'd bring it to you and leave it next to you. She never would hop on the tables, counters or take food from anywhere, it was kinda funny she would hop in a chair on the other side of the kitchen table and sit up in it as tall as she could get. It looked like she was sitting at the table like the rest of us, seriously she was more human that a cat at times. Toward the end of her life Tasha tried to show me that Tiffany was not all bad and that I just misunderstood her. Slowly I got the message, on the night of her death we had her in Nana's room in her chair. We ran out to get her more medicine when we got home and opened the front door what we saw was amazing, she had somehow either crawled or limped her way down where Tiffany was and lied right next to her, Tiffany curled around her.
[Tasha]
After that I started to understand what Tasha was saying to me, I held her in my arms for the rest of the night, and took her with me to bed. In the middle of the night I felt her paw on my hand as if holding it to let me say goodbye to her. I got up in the morning and she had passed. The next day after we buried her I went over to Tiffany and hugged her, Mom was afraid she'd bite me, but she didn't, I cried and told her how sorry I was that I treated her so awful and that I understood what Tasha was saying. Tiffany was more ornery than ever that week, I don't blame her she lost her friend and sister that had been with her for her whole life and stayed with her when no one was there and now she's alone. I was in school, Mom had work. Nana had died, Tasha had died, there was nothing. It wasn't until the middle of the summer vacation when I first started to get out of the slum I was in I still didn't trust people, today I don't but at least I learned be friendly and at least have some reaction with the world other than shutting it out. I may not be the most social person in the world but I can make a working comradery now a days with co workers and pupils. We had gone for the first few months without Tasha, it had been rough, Tiffany wouldn't make things easier on us either way. When I took her to the groomers on her appointment she would always get done but then they'd let her down on the ground so the other dogs could chase her, and I don't mean anything her size I mean like Sheep dogs and Golden retrievers. It was more like she was being taunted than having fun. I put a stop to that, it wasn't fair to her. She'd always come home so tired and collapse on the floor and sleep for hours, that was why. She somewhat appreciated some help on the side lines from me, anytime I noticed something I'd mention it and stop it. Gradually she got somewhat more trusting of me, she'd still run to Mom but Mom tried to distance herself from her in order for her to like me better.
It wasn't until she bit Mom in the hand that she could no longer trust Tiffany, she bit Mom deep. I remember thinking to myself that night in the hospital "This is it, that's the final straw" It took all the reasoning that Mom had to get me to let her live, she picked her up after Tiffany had eaten her food, which she has been heavily known to protect. Mom said she should have just left her alone for a while and then picked her up, but Tiff came over to her in the first place which made it kinda screwy, but she was like that, which is why I compare her to an autistic child. She'd come over to you wanting love, or trying to show it but the second you'd go to give it back in return she couldn't process it in her mind and would attack instead. It was like the wiring was there but it was either crossed or not turned on right. But it's not that she didn't want to show love or get it, it's was just hard for her to get it. After that incident I took over control of her, from the appointments to the feeding as such. Even after a few years later Mom still felt the hesitation from Tiffany just touching her head, she'd look at you with the most clueless expression like "What's wrong?" or something like that, it seemed that she forgot that she bit Mom. Well anyway things got better as time went on, eventually Mom was able to pet her again, she wasn't able to get as attached to her like before but she still loved Tiffany and saw her as a valued member of our family. I had gotten a new cat after a lot of researching and searching for a couple of years to really be sure in hopes that I'd feel better in having someone to be with me to be a companion and for Tiffany to at least have some friend. Well that was a no go, she's great with us but didn't care too much for Tiff other than being able to run past her or tease her on occasion. The time she bit Mom May came out and swatted at Tiffany which calmed her down a bit probably because Tasha used to do the same thing. If Tiffany ever got too loud barking, or too aggressive Tasha would come out swat her in the nose, she wasn't beating her but merely lightly tapping her on the nose. Also it calmed me down from attacking her (Family's family, but My Mother could have lost her hand, seeing the blood on the ground like that would get anyone pissed at whoever caused it to shed.) Needless to say I snapped to my senses. Besides if I hadn't who knows what would have happened to her hand after the time elapsed. Well anyway I'm sorry to keep double tracking here, my mind is scattered at the moment. As the years went by I got more closer to Tiffany, I got out of High School and into College. I'd spend most of my days home, she liked having someone home with her other than the flighty May who ran around the place over and over when no one was there. I always treated it like an "I can run around and jump to get away from you and you can't" kinda thing. Needless to say I got her to snap out of that habit. I was able to have the car for the most part, I mean it didn't belong to me so I had to ask, plus that meant dropping Mom off to work first which I didn't mind. So then I'd make breakfast give Tiffy some then after watching some shows take her and go ride around in the car, of course back in 2005-2006 gas was cheaper so if we got lost here and there...which I did....a lot a $20 bill would do the trick for the week. Whenever we got severely lost she'd hide in the back seat with her head in the cushion until we got home. I know this will sound stupid but it happened so bear with me, we were trying to get to Colliers Bakery (going out of business soon) and I got lost in Roger William's park (Easy to do if you've been there before) I don't know how but I ended up at the Providence Place Mall when I thought I was heading home. Tiffany hid herself in the back the whole ride home, before we got home I got the gas and picked up Mom, she asked me why Tiff was acting like an Ostrich. After I told her what happened she said to me "If I were her I'd take the bus after the 4th wrong turn." I never have gotten to Colliers once in my personal travels and most likely won't get to anyway. It was my first year of driving so my sense of direction was really off. Then again you could call me stupid seeing as Mom has taken me to these places before in my lifetime, it's just I never memorized the routes.
[May]
Well anyway Tiffany got over that incident until I tried to go to Schartners Farm for the first time lol. After a couple of more years things got better, she was taking rides with me. She was there at home greeting me as I came through the door into the kitchen. If I was there late at night I'd come out to the kitchen and work at the table, she'd come over and sit by me. It was funny because she always let out this big sigh, as if she's done so much in the day all the time. As holidays would come along we'd always get pictures of the two of them usually with Mom or I holding them. Tiffany would have her festive bows from the groomers and so would May. May didn't like bows, then again her hairs short so I wouldn't imagine it feeling too good. She never got groomed just had her claws clipped. Tiffany on the other hand liked the bows, and liked to prance around with that "Aren't I pretty" attitude, she loved the 1 bow on the side, it look better that the two. I don't know if that's because she didn't notice she had two on her head or a personal style kinda thing but either way she was cute with them. She loved the holiday breaks because we'd all be home, she liked having me home but she preferred the whole family together which I think anyone can understand. It was around February or so and things started to change a little bit, one of her eyes ended up whitening a bit. It was the cataract I assumed seeing as Lhasa's usually get cataracts in later life. She had issues seeing out of it and started to bump into some things here and there. She could still see out of the other eye also she could hear what was going on so it was still easy for her to live with us. Although she was a bit more cautious during that time which makes sense, I mean you'd be a bit tense if you had issues seeing right? She had a good sense of location surprising as it wouldn't seem like it, she'd known when we were close to home, when it came to being in the shop she'd always know when I was there without anyone even letting her know, it's like she knew the time I picked her up. She'd even know when it was time to go for her appointment for grooming and would be ready to go. It's hard for me to let go of her, I'm just not used to not looking down to make sure I don't step on her, I'm not used to not being able to greet her when I come in the house nor am I used to not having someone to be with during the day even if she wasn't next to you at at the moment. I have been in this quiet state before when Tasha and Nana passed, it's never easy and I'm not going to say that it does get easier to process death in time because that would be a lie. I look over my shoulder and still want to be able to see her out in the kitchen either walking around or sleeping. Today I just felt down sitting here in the house, I suppose it's because it was the calm quiet. Time, that's the only factor in this, I know things will get better in terms of our home life but for now I need to just live in the memories and hold on to all the good times. I don't expect this page to be here forever but it will be here long enough for me to gain some hope for a while anyway. If you choose to delete this, do so but please don't let me know about it, that's all I ask.