Cutting The Heart Strings

[Darksidehearts]

I personally hate this, I mean it seems like our family never seems to get a break here and there, like life is nothing but turns and disasters. What did she do? All she does is live on this planet, I'm so sick of this. Many say "you can't blame god for what happens here and there in life" well then who do I blame exactly? Personally I have lost my faith in religion as it seems like there is a personal vendetta against me and my family.

We recently lost Tiffany a member of our family for years and now I'm about to loose another. My cat Mae,we just found out that she has Lymphoma Cancer, we haven't a clue how long she has to live but I want to keep her as pain free as possible. It seems like every time we make a turn something else has to happen, and I hate it. I mean what did she ever do to anyone, all she does is live here with us! The only faith I have is in my family, if people believe that to be blasphemous then so be it, none of you matter to me as your just mire numbers and nothing more to me. I haven't the belief in my religion anymore after this.

*I'm not demeaning the public, just the nay-sayers that will go against my words here in the sake of defending religion. I haven't a thing against religion I'm just saying I no longer have the belief's in it as much as I did before. I do want to make it clear that I do not hate people nor anyone who believes in their religion, I'm just saying that I have lost my faith and do not feel after all that has happened in the last few years that anyone like "god" would allow such things to happen to people that haven't done a thing wrong but just live. It's one thing if you do something to me as I can recover but when you attack something so small and innocent like a Dog or Cat that can't do a thing to stop it, I think it's just sadistic and for what? You have a beef with me, you deal with me. Don't bring my family "home" because you have an issue with me, be a real being and deal with the problem head on instead of hiding in the clouds and cutting the heart strings of families. My Mother had asked me if I'm going to believe in the Devil now as I kept making remarks about my disbelief, I told her "at this point anything would be better right now that what I do already, to me god's the real Devil" I know I didn't mean that but I'm just tired of having to get upset every day because someone won't let our little family live in peace. It's just the three of us, why do you need to keep taking away anyone who lives here, what sick kick is he getting from this?
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When I wrote this I was very angry and now, I'm not too sure how I am. I'm a mix of angry,sad, calm with an air of clarity all combined into 1. I'm angry because all she ever wanted was just to sit next to you and be with you, she didn't deserve to be singled out the way she was. I'm sad because she's gone and now I'm alone, I still have my Mother in my life and I'm happy for that but it's still lonely being here with no one to even say hello to in the morning. The air of clarity came when I realized that live is far shorter than I really had known and that you must be grateful for everyday you have on this planet and the people you are with. Also I know even though she's no longer with me Mae's always in my heart.

Mae passed away Yesterday morning Wednesday, September 24, 2008. I'm angry because I'm tired of this, I mean what did she do wrong? If he has an issue with me then deal with me, just stop hurting people that don't harm a thing. I mean it's pathetic to just sit up in the clouds and pick off little things that can't speak let alone defend them-self's just because you don't have the gaul to deal with someone that can fight back. I don't mean to be this angry but we just lost Tiffany and now Mae is gone so as of right now to me there is little to no chance of me regaining faith in god or any god like being. Let me just say I'm not against anyone who believes in god or has faith in him, I'm just saying I have lost my faith due to the many occurrences that keep happening, its like we are not allowed to be happy for one-second with having something terrible happen. It's not just a small problem it always has to be a magnanimous thing. I don't want to spend this thread on my anger, as you can read what I have written above the day that she was diagnosed also I wouldn't want her to think that I'm writing this to have anger in her passing. I want to make this as a second memorium for someone loved dearly in our family. Mae brought me out of the darkness I had given up hope in trying times of my life.

I am grateful that she was home when she passed, the night before I had a class to go to. That's another thing I hate, work/school always gets in the way of something important. I mean she didn't look too good that night and all I wanted to do was stay home. I had Mom stay here as I didn't want Mae to feel that she was alone. In the morning I had to go to the campus to have a meeting with the Dean, like I cared about that. I wanted to stay here and be with her, I know she had passed but I wanted to be here with her. Being here wouldn't have helped anything, she was gone it's not like I could be here to take care of her. Still I wanted to so badly, it was a tough day for both my Mother and I. She had a meeting that morning like she wanted to deal with that at the time. But she did great in staying professional and spoke up for herself when it was appropriate. I'm proud of her for doing that. After work we went and got the most perfect baby blanket for her casket, I only wished that I was buying it for her as a new bed and not what I was actually getting it for. She's always been a small little thing, my "Little Sweet Pea". Although small she didn't act small, she's get up to the counter or table and speak with you eye to eye. She's follow you around and talk to you or sit with you. When you were out in the yard working she'd walk by on the way she was going to and stop to come over to the glass door to say hello to you. Yes, she did take food off the counter if left out, but that's just instinct she wasn't a thief. Cat's are naturally scavengers and if she wasn't fed the moment she was hungry who could blame her for having the "Well that's all right I'll serve myself" attitude? She was always doing funny things as well, look at the story I told about her trying to frame Tiffany. Mom was not really a cat person and tried to leave Mae as my cat but even she was changed thanks to Mae. It's not that she was against cats, she loved Tasha it's just she just wanted Mae to be "my baby". When I wasn't here Mae went out of her way to come down and stay with Mom, many of nights coming home late I'd see her lying next to Mom on the couch, curled up as much as she could be. Even toward the end she stayed the same, she couldn't walk too good but she still wanted to be by our sides. She'd come in and try to hop on the hassock or couch but couldn't so we had to lift her. I felt awful the day I went to the bathroom and she came in, looked at the counter and walked away. She used to hop on the counter and sit, purr and talk to me. I know it's a bit weird to some to hear that but I always enjoyed the company. When you were sick she'd always stay be you side all day and night, taking bathroom and food breaks. There was this time last year Mom had gotten sick as did I but she had it worse than me so she stayed home. Finally about two day in I got as bad as Mom, luckily I hadn't a class that week as we had a holiday vacation break I had to go in one day so I got the break later than Mom did. *Going back to the idea that we don't cut a break anywhere even in a break we have a debilitating thing to deal with.* It was funny I came home and went to bed whilst Mom lay on couch, Mae had to have gone back and forth a thousand times just in the morning alone. She wanted to share time with us and make sure to take care of us giving her the title of "Mae Nightingale", and then on top of that power kept going in and out around the house as it was storming for three of our five days.

What I'll miss the most is that she reminded me of Tasha by coming by to distract me from work and make me take a break once in a while. Always the lady cleaning herself as often as possible, I took Mae to the groomer I took Tiffany to for her nails to be clipped, she would always comment on how clean and tidy she is, I'd say it's mostly Mae. She had always yellow eyes but this week they changed to a nice marble green, she was truly a beautiful little girl. The vet was worried about her eyes being as yellow as they were but her eyes were always yellow so I tend to wonder if she was more easily susceptible to deceases like Cancer? Mae I love you and I hope you, Tiffany, Tasha and Nana are having fun wherever you are. She never met Tasha or Nana but I'm sure they'll take care of her and welcome her with open arms like they did me.

She is my little lady, my sweet pea

Mae "Nightingale" Tucker

[secret23]

Im sorry about your cat...its hard losing something that means alot to you.

My old cat Cali, she died last month, 2:30 in the morning, due to some dame dog/fox. I remember the night, it woke me up, I heard her scream outside my door, I ran out my back door without thinking. The problem is I couldn't leave my outside yard door since my my dad was asleep in the far back room of the house, and I didn't want him to freak out thinking someone broke in (he had high blood pressure a few days before he get some meds). I was able to see my other cat Henry looking out into the hellish darkness...he saw the whole thing...
I slowly walked back to my room shaking, called my mom, and told her Cali is either really injured or dead. I didn't sleep that night, only her scream and the sound of her body being flung against one of our flower pots outside.
That same morning, 30 min before I had to leave for school, me and my brother found her body beside the woods, split open, the demons showed no mercy on her...
Now I sit here with a new kitten, not to replace Cali, but to save the life of this young soul. We now got Henry and Queen, both lovable cats, but nothing can replace Cali. Cali's fur was so clean, so soft, you could sleep on it, that's how good of cat she was. But the thing thats really sad is...once something living is gone...then you cant get it back, you can clone it back or buy another...but it just wont be the same animal or human you once new.


But your story really touched me, I am just so sorry about your cat, atleast she got to live with you to the end, unlike my cat, who died a sad death without us...